Random Thoughts

Well, it has been a week since I last posted. Nothing really exciting has happened in the land of adoption. I am feeling very frustrated with the process. We have been matched twice in the last 4 months and both times the emom has changed her mind, which is her right, but that doesn't make it any easier or less painful. We are hoping to be matched again soon, but, then there is more emom expenses and legal expenses and money we just don't have right now. Why does it have to be so hard for some people to get to the family that they want.

We already went through 2+ years of infertiltiy treatments. We found out that I have PCOS and my husband has a very low sperm count. After several IUI attempts we actually concieved and ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. I never really grieved our infertility, but, I am grieving everything that has gone wrong with the adoption.

On happier thoughts, we had a great weekend. We took dd to the circus on Friday and had a very good time. She really loved it all. Then we spent the day on Saturday outside to a little bit of everything from playing t-ball to swinging and playing in the sandbox.

Tomorrow we are going to the aviation campus with her preschool class and then on a tour of Pizza Hut. It should be a good time.

Crazy, Crazy Weekend

My husband is an over the road truck driver that owns his own rig. It seems like this last month has been nothing but repairs but the worst started out last Wednesday night. He went to get something fixed Wednesday night and unloaded and reloaded on Thursday morning and was home by 1:00. I was out in our shop talking to him and we noticed he was leaking some oil. He called back to the place that had supposedly fixed it the night before. They felt like maybe it had been a bad gasket and they want us to come back right away and they would fix it. So I hurried up and packed us up and followed him the 2 hours back to the repair shop. We spent a wonderful night in the hotel with our dd playing in the pool and just relaxing. We got home on Friday around 5:00 and dh noticed it was leaking oil again. So he called back down to the repair shop, again, they wanted us back that night. So, once again I hurriedly packed us up and off we went again. At least, the repair shop paid for our hotel that night. Thank goodness it is finally fixed.

So what should have been a 3 day weekend spending family time together ended up be a very rushed, hectic, frustrating weekend.

Not so Good

Yesterday, I had a horrible day. I could not shake the feeling that our last emom had given birth to her son so I looked up the hospitals in her area and found the baby annoucement pages of the hospital she used. I saw the picture of the son the I had been growing in my heart well she carried him in her. I cried on and off all day and tried to explain to my dd that mommy was just a little sad and would be all right soon.

I know that I needed this for closure and today is starting off a little better so hopefully no more tears today. But, if they do come they come for a reason and I just need to deal with them and let me have the feelings that come along with this crazy journey.

Made it Through the Weekend

Sunday was the due date of our previous match, so I decided to keep myself extremely busy since last week. I helped out at my dd preschool on Thursday which was such a good time. I always new that she was smart, but she really showed it to me that day. She is only 4 1/2 but she is keeping up to the kids that could have went to kindergarten this year. Her vocabulary is amazing and she has been talking in complete sentences since she was 18 months. I have a feeling we will have our hands full as she gets older.

Friday I talked my wonderful husband into taking us overnight to a hotel about 70 miles away that has a great water area for the kids and we played late into the night on Friday and Saturday morning before heading home to get him ready to leave for the week.

Sunday was our last day of Sunday School for the year and it went very well. I taught the preschool class and we played a lot of games and just had a great time.

So today I am ok. I wonder if the baby has been born yet and praying that he and his mom are ok and will make it. But over all I feel very good that I am ok and not letting it get me to down. We are patiently waiting to see what that next twist in this roller coaster adoption journey is going to come.

Feeling a Little Depressed

The weather here has been cold and cloudy with a few flurries thrown in for good measure. It definitly is not helping my mood. April 15, 2007 is the due date of one of the emom that we were matched with and as that date comes closer the more depressed I find myself getting. I know that it will happen to us at some point but this just felt very right.

I just hope and pray that she is ok and that she is able to raise this child by herself, as she does not have a very good support system and the father has a 5 month old with another woman and wants nothing to do with her and her parents are raising her 11 year old son.

I am hoping that the weather clears up soon so that I can get outside and maybe be able to get rid of this mood. I am going to have my hair done tomorrow morning and that always seems to lift my spririts some.

Proud Mama Moment

Well, last night we went to Maundy Thursday services at our church. We have a very small congregation and even fewer kids. J was the one of about 6 kids in church last night and the very best behaved. She didn't move from pew to pew like a couple of them and she put up a fuss about anything. She just sat and listened to the Pastor speak and snuggled up. On our way home I told her how proud I was that she was my daughter and that she was so well behaved at church. Her response to me was "isn't that the way I'm suppose to act."

More Info

Well, Trace made a comment on my first post with some questions so here is a little more information on our current adoption. We are hoping to adopt either a full AA or Bi-racial child as our daughter is AA/Hispanic. We do not care if it is a boy or a girl as we would not be able to choose if I was able to give birth. Our adoption with our dd is semi-open to open. Our dd bmom has our address and phone number but in the last couple of years has chosen not to use it. The last set of pictures that I sent her came back as the forward on her address had run out and I don't have her new address.

We started our adoption process in June of 2006 and was hoping it would not take over a year but it is looking like it will not happen by then. We were matched with a emom due in February, but in late January she changed her mind and decided to parent. We then were matched in early March with an emom due mid April and she has now decided to parent. I just wish one of these matches would work. It was hard since both wanted to have closed adoptions so we could not get a feeling for what they would do. I am hoping the next match will be more open so that we would be able to talk to them.

Hope Filled

I am starting this blog as a way to express my feelings while waiting for our second domestic adoption to be completed. We have already had two failed matches and are just waiting to get that call that says we have a match for you.

Our first adoption of our dd J went so smoothly. We got the call that a girl was born and the papers had been signed so to come and get our daughter. I have never moved so fast. I was at work and I started to delegate things that needed to be done since I was in management. I called my dh and finished up everything at work went home washed the baby clothes that we had been picking up, and packed. My wonderful MIL came over and helped me clean our house. We got a "good" night sleep. I don't think I slept a wink and we left from Minnesota for Texas the next morning at 7:00 am.

It was all so unreal. We met our dd birthmom and fell in love with her. She asked us what we thought of the pictures of our daughter. At that point we had not seen her at all. Our bmom just cried she couldn't believe we came all of that way without seeing her picture first. To us it didn't matter what she looked like we had already fallen in love with her from what our caseworker had told us.

Now we are on the rollercoaster ride again and hopefully it will go better then it has been soon.